3/12/10

i don't wanna think anymore

The duo of Gagaloo & Beyonce, Too finally (FINALLY) released the supervideo for Telephone and good fucking grief where do I even START?



Ok I will start....here. TEN MINUTES? Who has ten fucking minutes to watch a video? This shit is an epic in the fucking dictionary definition; my adult onset ADD does not really allow for focusing on something for more then 90 seconds at a time.

But I did it. FOR YOU GUYSand for the LOVE OF THE GA.

SO..in a brief sentence, what we have here is one a them "video movies" that were sorta popular in the 90s (Hellloooo Beastie Boys' Spike Jone directed Sabotage..which ps was still only abt 4 mins long) that is some sort of Kill Bill / Thelma Louise / Who's that Girl / 70s Lesbo prison porn mashup with chola eyebrows and Beyonce as a Vargas girl.

Allow me to attempt to run through the video and discuss Important Moments, the outfits (bitch has more major outfits than seems possible), the PRODUCT PLACEMENT (barf), call out some pop culture refereces as I see them, and try to understand what the fuck is going on.

 LET'S DO IT.


Whoa whoa whoa.
Someone loves the 70s.
Or a "feels like the 70s"..much like  in the aforementioned BBoys video:


or in the (totally underrated) Quentin Tarantino (more on his influence later) move:


Guess who else loves the 70s? THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE. So right off, I am kinda into this.


This, we are told, is "Prison for Bitches". As far as I can tell,  it is very warm there, as even the wardens have their tits out. Gagaloo (in Jean Charles De Castelbajac) will probs fit in just fine here. Except for the fact that one of them tell her "SAY GOODBYE TO FASHION".

NOT FUCKING LIKELY, BITCHES. (I can call them that, as it is a Prison For Them)


Hey hey heyyyyyy watch the leather, man!



"I told you she didn't have a dick" Guess it sucks to have started a rumor about yourself that just WON'T QUIT, huh Ga? Well, now we all know.



Cut to the prison yard, our heroine in chains (by Viktor & Rolf)
Time for some exercise! And maybe some fresh air...that is of course if she doesn't breathe in anywhere near her OWN FACE as her SUNGLASSES are made of LIT CIGARETTES (by Haus of Gaga, as if you had to wonder). I have to say, I wanna barf a little in my Diet Coke thinking of the smell.

[Product placement: The diamond headphones that she shills for are on an inmate rocking out in the yard]


Double barf thinking about having to kiss her at this moment, I mean..i can't. Thank god this chick is wearing sunglasses she might singe her eyebrows off.

I like that big girl in the back. She like...damn, now it's Burning Tobacco Glasses?! I just MADE this FUCKING HAIR BOW! Sheeeeeit.


PRODUCT PLACEMENT 2: A certain cellphone compant has their phone in her crotch. YEAH I BLURRED IT OUT, I AM NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS SHIT.

SIDENOTE: Why would you want yr cellphone comapnay affiliated with a song where her fucking phone don't get her no service in the club? JUST WONDERING


SO MUCH IMPORTANCE, on so many levels. DIET COKE CAN CURLERZZZ! HAAAHHA omg that shit is so dope. I love it!
But what else is this about? Is that girl representing a young Stefani Germanotta at right? If i was writing this for a dissertation I would compare this to the theme of twins in Finnegan's Wake...ok, no I wouldn't,  I stole that whole reference from The Bell Jar I have never been anywhere near a copy of Finnegan's Wake.
Point being..IS THIS THE TWO SIDES TO GA? Young and unadorned, new and covered in crap?
WHO KNOWS, I DIDN'T WRITE THIS SCRIPT.


This is the most serious eyebrow game I have ever seen in my entire life. It makes Joan Crawford look like Whoopi Goldberg (get it? Whoopi HAS NO EYEBROWS). And obvi...the chola lip is so hot. SO HOT.


There was some crazy cat fight whatevs happening and then..HEY GAGA, PHONE CALL, BEYONCE´.
First Madonna reference, to my overcaffeinated brain..Shades of Desperately Seeking Susan?


Stretch? Shut it, this is my blog.


The SONG STARTS.
We are THREE MINUTES IN.
God this is long.


Not sure what this almost naked skinny mini dance scene is about; I guess this is for those of you who force your boyfriend into watching this and at this point he is really ready to bail, but then this comes on and he is like oh..wait.


GAHHHHHH ! GAGA PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!!! (In Brian Lightenberg tape outfit)


PS, They show her with THAT PHONE AGAIN! In this get up! Where do you keep your phone in that?! (Don't answer that)


Someone bailed your ass out, lady (in vintage Mugler). I WONDER WHO?
One note on this "glove": we have taken it as far as we can haven't we, Fashion? A glove is now reduced to leather bits on just four of yr five fingers. Basta.

By the WAYYY...madonna reference #2:


SO Nikki Finn! Who's That Girl! She wears red lips and latex and studded jackets and major brows and the wardens are hired from the same Man Faced Scary Dyke casting agency.
You can't trick me, gurl. I am on to you.


See ya guys, my ride is here! It's...the Pussy Wagon? From..Kill Bill? What in the who...?
Shit gets weirdly Tarantino-ish from here, why didn't he direct this thing?????


Hi Beyonce! Sorry, "Honey Bee". Nice bangs!
They try to break down some deep shit here:
"Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger" and "Trust is like a mirror...something something who cares this makes no sense".
I don't know. Were you hoping I would unlock that mystery? Sors, I got nothing.


Um..you guys? Litering is really not cool.


So...now we're in a diner. And Gaga works in the kithen and takes the takeout orders from her brain with a bunch of produce queens dancing with heads of lettuce. This is the start of some sort of revenge death plot that we are never told about, where Beyonce is killing Tyrese with her d-eye-balls and a tiny bottle of poison, and Gagaloo is hosting her own Death by Sandwich Show on the bizarro Food Network.


This is the most delightful moment of the whole 985 minutes of this video.
YAY! LET'S MAKE A SANDWICH!! (Whisk maracas!)


Shades of poisoning Heather Chandler! Blue liquids (corn nuttssssssss).


Where are we? Beyonce's haus? Why? I dont know, the editing in this musical insanity is caraycray. I know you don't care, but I would love to have my hair look lke this say..EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.


Shit, she works hard for the money! She has to waittress here too?!?
We are anothier level- Hair telephone eyepatch! Hair telephone cord! 


Hmm. maybe I'm reading too much into this (why stop now) but...


...RIGHT? SORTA? YES.


Oh right.So..he dead. And like..other people are dead. Killer sammies. Homicidal bacon. Life-taking pancakes (I am just quoting from Zagats..this place has a bad rep)


We did it! We kiled everyone! We love America! LET'S DANCE IT OUT!
Gaga looks like Daisy of Love dressed like Bret Michaels.

I HAVE COME SO FAR, YET I UNDERSTAND NOTHING.

Then they peace out. And Jai from Queer Eye is a news reporter and everyone is dead (Kalifornia? Natural Born Killers? no?)


Then they dress like bee keepers and dance in the wind.
Then they pact a pact to run far far away and never come back.
Then...


Oh my god, really?
I DON'T HAVE THE TIME!
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS NOW!

Ten minutes and 6,000 screen captures later, what have we learned? Tell me in the comments, I am fucking spent.


thank you kylie for the screenshot heads up and thank you nicola formichetti for always posting credits on your blog.

46 comments:

laia. said...

i was SO disappointed there wasn't a thelma & louise ending to this.
I MEAN THEY HELD HANDS AND EVERYTHING!

i wish she didnt insisnt on wearing thongs.

hated the song at the beginning but dug the beats by the end.

veronica said...

Wasn't the "unadorned Gaga" her real-life younger sister? I heard a rumor. Investigation needed!

Kylie said...

omg The thongs were the best part Laia!! Dancing down the jail corridor in them studded lengerie... I don't know why but I LOVE

Oh and as for the whole double/twins thing, I agree. But I heard some people think it's her younger sister...? It's possible, she is, 18 or 19 so it looks legit.

Thank you for the commentary, I loled lots

<3<3<3

A La Mode said...

This is hillarious! The product placement, bikini dancing and lesbian scene was like WHAAAAAAAAAT!?
Well it was kinda all like that. And the song was really hardly in it.... it seemed...

InnyVinny said...

I have learned nothing...

BUT, it was about 3000% better than the Video Phone video...

designedmemory said...

it tells us that empty style and lack of original thought rules all!

doing it for the sake of doing, or copying for the sake of record sales.

what I want to bring up, and I have not seen it anywhere else - is that gaga is actually m manson reinvented post sex change.

nikki sixx said...

dude, i'm at work and scroll-reading mega fast...but her crust core punk as fuck jacket needs a mention. all those studs and not just a typical "crass" patch. bitch has fucking japanese crust-thrash core legends GISM, the uk's DOOM, and some random ferreal "dis..." band on it. holy mother vagina. must watch post work.

edgecakez said...

i have zero fucking idea, but i do know that the best thing about this video is your bo-ssection of it. and the whisk maracas of course.

Princess Poochie said...

I have no clue but I fucking love your review.

Damn!

Leah said...

haha so fantastic. the diet coke curlers were my favorite part. and the plenty of fish mention placement at the beginning because like...why?

the StReeT chanteuse said...

these are a few of the MANY observations I made:

*the font of the opening credits is very “70s era soft core porn~ish” if you know what I mean...... um..... yeah....

*razor blade shoes.

*cigarette... glasses? (this one is lost upon even me)

*gaga in studded ensemble (Bikini and matching jacket)

-SONG FINALLY FUCKING STARTS-

*Gaga dances while singing.

*begins dancing w/ other tattooed womens in studded bikinis

*you see a lot of Gaga’s ass and crotch. (spoiler alert: she doesn’t have a peen..... but you’ll know that within the first 3 mins of the video)

*naked save for a yellow “caution strip” strategically placed to cover her nether regions....

*Thierry Mugler bonkersness

*that wink will be made into a gif and passed around Tumblr like a two dollar whore.

-BEYONCE MAKES FIRST APPEARANCE-

*Beyonce in black lipstick w/ Bettie Page bangs

*“You’ve been a very bad girl... A very, VERY, bad, BAD, girl, Gaga.”

*what the fuck is a “Honey B”?

*“once you kill a cow, you’ve gotta make a burger.”

*“you know, Gaga, trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broke...” “...but you can still see the cracks in that motherfuckers’ reflection.”

*obvious polaroid product placement

*Beyonce gives major “bitchface” for several minutes......

*YELLOW COWBOY HAT..... YELLOW EVERYTHING

*random part involving Tyrese......? (all the while beyonce continues to give severe Bitchface)

*camera zooms in on Beyonce’s tits.

*older woman w/ red hair and blue hat in leopard print blouse (w/ some dope matching glasses) slowly blows my mind

*Beyonce poisons Tyrese…

*HAT MADE OF TELEPHONES IN A VIDEO FOR A SONG TITLED “TELEPHONE.” genius.

*Majah dance scene involving Gaga and gays and lettuce and bread and cooking utensils......?

*Beyonce wearing bejeweled, bejangled, and bechained situation...... I don’t even know what to say after “bejeweled, bejangled, and bechained”

*SHAKE THAT WEAVE, GURRRL

*LOTS OF DANCING

*......I don’t even know anymore.

*wut?

*.....no seriously, WUT?

*MORE DANCING.... IN CHEESY AMERICANA INSPIRED OUTFITS

*???????

*so many gif opportunities of Beyonce...

*“pussy wagon”

umm, yeah....

also: Gaga was in a bikini throughout the whole fucking video... Okay, we get it, you do not have a peen.

kthnxbye

all in all I liked the depiction of Beyonce and Lady Gaga as lesbian crusaders for the common good, at least that's what I think it was about....? haha

Psyched and Such said...

This recap is a real public service. The public thanks you.

alarecherchede said...

like you, i died over the chola look. so major

Misery said...

you rock, you rock, you absolutely rock, haha :) I admire you had the patience to analyze this bit by bit. Despite all this product placement I love the video :)

AND, as for Finnegan's Wake, I've heard it's the most unreadable book in the history of literature :)

larabehnert said...

i think beyonce is channeling you in that pic. it's not just the hair, it's the proportion of the clothing, and then obviously the turned in toe stance.

Leia said...

Completely agree with all you have said! The product placement REALLY annoyed me.

xx Leia - thehifashionsite.com

Sunshine said...

we learned that B should always wear bangs - srs hottest she has ever looked
also i need to make a hat out of telephones. it will happen. telebow? mind blowing?

alarecherchede said...

ALSO! OMG, honey b = honey buns a la "I got a honey bun" - Jay-z in hustlin' remix. too much? not enough?

Tavi said...

I LOVE the telephone thing she has on her head while she is being overjoyed about making a goddamn sandwich. Did you also notice the wonder bread product placement? Though that was kinda cool because of the colors, while with Virgin Mobile it was like WTF THAT'S WHAT ALL THE LAME KIDS IN 5TH GRADE HAD WHEN THEY COULDN'T AFFORD A RAZR (and it was around this time for me that it was NORMAL for a 5TH GRADER to have a PHONE, jesus christ.)

HEATHER CHANDLER! YES!

I find the anarchy symbols on her punkzzz jacket so HARDCORE and EDGY. She is probably the punk that hacked Britney's twitter that one time, remember?
ALSO, her diet coke cans=McQueen Fall 2009? http://www.style.com/slideshows/fashionshows/F2009RTW/AMCQUEEN/DETAILS/00120m.jpg

The TO BE CONTINUED was such a bummer. The next one better at least have some better outfits. I want her to do something with a creepy office, and wear the Balenciagas you're obsessed with, the oxfords with the futuristic geometry. I will direct, and costar, and there will be NO PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

Tavi said...

ps tacky americana outfits FAIL.

I/M said...

Nice synopsis.

I'm working on the theory that people who were rocking DooM patches are feeling the same sort angst BSA Rocker types were feeling after the "Faith" video by George Michael.

TobyOliverDean said...

DIET COKE HAIR CURLERS = TY'S MAKEOVER IN CLUELESS. NO?

redheadfashionista said...

Now that's how you make a relatively straightforward and dull song into possibly the most hilarious/awesome thing ever. Beyonce suddenly becomes cool, Gaga is OFFICIALL unhinged. The whole thing is like Gwen Stefani's Harajuku babes, bits of True Romance, and, well, porn. What's she gonna do in the next video? Spend it all naked?

Molly Lambert said...

next they are going to Mexico to kill Alejandro!

EMQ said...

This is a follow up to Paparazzi, yes? Gaga, poison, Sex and Death and Fashion. It's craz. And highly nonsensical and yet so much more intresting than most everything on TV. I love you're connections! Stretch away!

miguelito said...

I fucking LOVE Jackie Brown.

Isabel said...

Yeahh, I was looking forward to your commentary so hard! I got so many screenshots, I'm gonna have to do my own Gaga-licious post soon.

nonitta said...

This is what I think of it: http://pigtailsrock.blogspot.com/

Christina Dee said...

and once again, you turn my fajugly frown upside down, girl you made my sides hurt! you break it down, oh so well but you've got to say, this video, as long & confusing as it was, was AUHHMAZING.

thank you again:)
xx.
Christina
www.profreshstyle.com

Bellwether said...

The only coherent thought I had while watching this madness 2 days ago was, "ooooh beyonce is rocking ms. Lightning hair." commenter Larabehnert took it one step further with the outfit mention. Think someone's stylist has been reading your blog? Yups yups. How bout we just say beyonce was playing you in that video? It actually starts to make sense then. :)

Devery said...

I. LOVE. YOU.

"Killer sammies. Homicidal bacon. Life-taking pancakes (I am just quoting from Zagats..this place has a bad rep)" Just, DYING. I want more Gaga videos just so I can read your reviews. I wish you'd do reaction videos like that adorable-crazy Twilight fan in the UK. XXOOX!

CoocooforCoco said...

You are right, I made my boyfriend watch this and he got very excited about the naked ladies. But he always secretly gets excited when Gaga comes out with a new video...he's not fooling anyone

Eyeliah said...

the best recap I read, thank you thank you.

Alika said...

hey gurrrl.

so about that young stefani germanotta being a present natalie germanotta:

this may sound craycray as you say but i seriously thought [and kinda still think] that it's mariah carey

like forreal.

oh shit, i just compared up close screen caps [i mean why else would they have such a major close up if it wasnt the emancipated mimi] and photos of said mimi in precious and it is totally her mz.lightning, i swear

compare the shots from 2:38 of the vid and pics from mariah in precious. even her build [check 2:51 of the vid of her walkin away in the background] has the same voluptuous situation going on

and the nose liz, THE NOSE!

it's her, it's mimi, it's mrs.nick cannon, IT'S MARIAH!!!

please get back to me, i need to know if i'm the only one who sees this.

Thunder Mama said...

that girl who looks like the young lady gaga, in the diet coke can curlers scene is her younger sister.

kristaaaay said...

hmm. way too many comments for me to confirm if this has been posted yet but:

pretty sure its been confirmed that IS her sister in the video by buzzfeed.

also, haters to the left, to the left. this video ruled and i ALWAYS have 9 minutes for gaga.

Caitlin said...

my life has changed after watching this...

dani d. said...

YOU ARE SENSATIONAL! THIS WAS THE BEST PLAY-BY-PLAY EVER. I DON'T FEEL LIKE I EVEN NEED TO SEE IT NO!

props.

dani-d.com

rose said...

that's the BEST recap EVAH! holy cow- the PUSSY WAGON?!?!?!!!! i mean, SERIOUSLY???!!!! that is recockulous. so in the next vid, she'll be driving the wienermobile?

and i just have to share this in reference to picture #11----
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGOOlcdpfLg

I LOVE JENEEN NICOLE said...

hahah,
omg what a great write up!! I'm still laughing, too funny!

Way better than the actual video
thanks for sharing.
x
jn
www.jeneennicole.blogspot.com

Kristin said...

I'm hearing the sounds of disillusionment ringing through the land.

Why didn't we just skip the video and do a fashion editorial? Stylists and designers get A+++, writer and director whatta-buncha-garbage. STINKER.

brendan donnelly said...

holy smokes! she's so next levs!!!

Natasha said...

It follows on from Bad Romance, at the end of BR, she's lying on the bed with smokin' tittayz. She's killed eyepatch guy, she gets put in jail. It was epic to the most epic level of epicness. I've no complaints. I could even look past the stupid product placements. And her sister's a babe.

FND said...

the nearly naked dancing by the prison scene, outfit is so Madonna in Open Your Heart stripper.

I love the song. But I hated the video. It consumes too much and asks for too much of my attention. Makes me feel exhausted and confused at the end.

cake. said...

i've watched this video 6 times. which means that i've spent an HOUR with it and i still don't get it, but i DO think about LET'S MAKE A SANDWICH at least 15 times a day.

Ash said...

couldn't have said it better myself... idk wtf this video means...

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